“When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.”—Lemony Snicket (via fairestregal)
probably because you're too harsh and self centered and unsympathetic
Often, when I am feeling completely alone, I use my blog as a platform to call attention to that fact and I will wonder why this is. One time, I posed that question and this was the response I got.
This was some time ago. I don’t know who sent this message, but I remember it hurt.
It validated all the horrible things I already feel about myself. I have a very internal locus of control, which can be either very constructive or very destructive. When people fall out with me or when I feel alone or abandoned or left out by my friends and family, I always want to know what I did wrong- no matter how “self centered” or “unsympathetic” that might be.
The point of posting and responding to this is not to argue it. It’s not to draw pity to myself. I get responses out of making posts like this, which is partially the point obviously, but its not the kind of recognition or response I want.
I ask for nothing but loyalty from people, but seem to have surrounded myself with only flakes. I know it’s my fault that people don’t like me and I know it’s because I have a lot of negative qualities.
However, I took a long time learning to love both positive and negative things about myself. I wish other people would take the time to see them. I have moments when I feel absolutely flawless and powerful. The inverse, naturally, are moments like this.
It’s 3 AM and I am alone. Completely alone. I’ve felt alone all day. I’m not getting the conversation or interaction or engagement or recognition from the friends I have that I need. I feel slighted by my friends and my family and I know it’s my fault. I could be a less emotional, less “self-centered”, less “harsh” person.
I do not want to compromise the person I am.
I do not want to compromise the independence and ambition I have and I do not want to cater to everyone.
Ultimately, however, I still need love and friendship. I need to find the balance between independence and dependence, because independence leads to so many nights crying because I don’t know what I did wrong.
I feel like so many people are against me and I don’t feel like I need pity and maybe I don’t even need to know why I feel like so many people are against me. I just need someone who will be with me.